The Gift of Memories

I count myself among the very lucky when I say that in my childhood, I had no experience of the loss of a loved one. My sweet grandmother died when I was eleven years old, and later other grandparents, but all in all I was most fortunate.

Having lived a continent apart from one set of grandparents, I am not blessed to have many memories of them, but until recently I never realized how much that means I missed. The threat of loss has revived whole banks of memories that I am enjoying and which have brought with them a happiness and appreciation for all of the wonderful times that we have shared in our lives, the people we have loved, the things that we learned and taught each other, and the warmth and love that we have possessed and nurtured over the course of a lifetime.

Being an advocate of Appreciative Living has been a challenge over the last few weeks.  I mentioned in an earlier blog that it is easy to feel appreciation on a good day, in the sunshine and warmth of figurative if not literal summertime, and harder to feel appreciation on a rainy, foggy, or gloomy day. But today, gloomy rainy weather notwithstanding, I am grateful for my memories. I am pulling the curtain back on the positive side of my screen, to expose more of the bright side.  It would be easy to let sadness, if not despair, take over. But I am making the effort to make conscious choices, not to put on a brave face, but to actually fully enjoy those memories that I own, to review and revel in them, to feel the warmth of our shared pasts, and to appreciate how much of who and what I am and will be, is the result of those happy experiences that I am lucky enough to remember and to be able to conjure up and relive.

None of us is so lucky that we come through life unscathed by loss or grief. Even our daily newspaper reminds us of war, hunger, loss, and hatred. But if you are lucky enough to have happy memories, turn up the volume on them, fill up the whole screen of your inner eye with them. Take a moment to actually feel how you felt on that happy day, savor the taste of what it felt like to be a loved child in your parents’ arms, or a youngster who has made her teacher proud, or a winner of a prize for excellence, or a volunteer helping someone who needed your help, or the performer of a simple act of kindness.

To those of us who keep a gratitude journal, we sometimes are too automatic in looking outside ourselves for that for which we are grateful. Perhaps it is good to remind ourselves how much of the good in our lives comes from within, and that we have much stored in our memories that can raise our happiness quotient just by using all our senses to see and hear and touch them again.

Renewal

I had the opportunity yesterday to learn a very valuable lesson: that sometimes (perhaps often) when we ascribe reasons for someone else’s behavior, we are very much mistaken, and if we are very lucky, like I was yesterday, to see the error of our thoughts, we have a chance at renewal.

Under difficult circumstances, I anticipated seeing someone I had not seen for many years. I was uncertain how we would feel when seeing each other, but luck and love were on our side and our first glance at each other brought back all the shared experiences, the shared memories, and the fondness of a lifetime. As a practicing adult (for many years), I am embarrassed to say that I was surprised—surprised that I had attached a far different meaning to our lack of communications than actually existed. I found her as endearing and bright and funny as she had always been, and I felt a sense of loss, for all the years that had passed without seeing each other, sharing our lives, loves, and losses.

Renewal is a gift at any point in life, the opportunity to recover emotions and memories that we had as kids and young adults, and bring a new spin to them as older adults. Last night, I felt younger for awhile, and then I felt so deeply the attachments of a lifetime, the bonds of love and family and what they really mean, that I felt that I had been touched by all the generations that came before, I felt my mother whispering to me that there is nothing like family, and I know that no matter what life serves up to us, it is the relationships that we choose to cherish, that make life worth living, and each day a delight. 

The gift of Renewal can be ours any and every day, if we choose to put aside our assumptions, open our hearts to new messages, forgive ourselves for being human and frail, and let the delight of every day in.

Gratefulness journal

I have been writing about Appreciating What Is for a while, and when I first began the study of Appreciative Living, the first assignment was a gratefulness journal. In it one is supposed to record three things each day that one is grateful for.  At first it seemed like a rote assignment—so OK, I appreciate my dog Lucy and the love she gives me, and I appreciate that we have had some rain, and I appreciate that I am feeling pretty good. And for a while that was that.  It was getting boring. Then I re-read the instructions, and saw what I had passed over at first: to take the next 30 seconds after you write down each entry to close your eyes and feel the appreciation. Can you imagine what happened? At first there is the resistance to take the time. But altogether one and a half minutes? Being stingy about a minute and a half is just silly.  You waste that amount of time waiting for your coffee to re-warm in the microwave, or sitting at a red light. I have discovered that using that 30 seconds for each of the things you list in your journal pays dividends all day. 

When I write that I appreciate my dog, and close my eyes to really feel it, I get a kind of mental slide show of all the best moments of our time together and when I look at her, what I see is all the love and  loyalty that have been mine for ten years. It is not that anything has changed, it is me that has changed.  It is that I am able to see with a fresh “eye” what has been there in front of me all the time. And by taking that 30 seconds to really feel how I feel, a little bit of it comes with me so that when Lucy strikes a puppy-like pose, even in her old age, I can see the puppy in her.

Today, the rain has ceased, and living here in California, we look at rain differently, not as something that happens all the time, but as an interruption of our eternal sunshine. However, now that the rain has stopped, all the hills around my house are green rather than brown, and because I have taken the time to actually feel something about that, when I look out the window, the green stands out, and I can feel the freshness and the renewal of the earth. As I drive around, I notice that the rain has washed the streets clean, and even buildings look cleaner and fresher.

And I am feeling pretty good.  I am grateful for that. I close my eyes and know that not everyone I love has that reassurance today. Some are in pain, some have the flu, some are worried about ongoing conditions, but I can say that I am warm and comfortable.  I do not dread that I have to go out shopping, or that I have chores to accomplish.  I appreciate that I can put myself aside for long enough to learn from my coach what he has to teach me today. I can notice the twinge here and there, but not take for granted my abilities and being able to do what I want to do, whether it is to take a walk, or sew on a button, or read a good book.

All in all, my gratefulness journal serves as a reminder of how lucky I am.  I think that in some ways it gives me the space to let others be who they are, whether I happen to agree with their ways of doing things or not. So take a few minutes at the end of your day, or perhaps just after dinner to gather up your thoughts and be grateful, and then to really feel what you are grateful for, and to smile.  Studies have shown that when you smile, you begin to feel happier, and that right there is something to be grateful for.

Appreciating what is

I have discovered that it is much easier to ‘Appreciate What Is’ when things are going well, than it is to do so when things are not so good. I am sure that you are thinking something like what my mother would have said if she were alive—“Columbus!”—meaning this is not such a big discovery.  Of course it is easier to pick out a couple of good things in all the bounty of good times, and to appreciate the hell out of them. But it is precisely when things are not so good that we have to pick over all the things in our lives, even the bad and find a kernel of gold to appreciate.

Situations being what they are, I have been thinking a lot about the past. Our history is what makes us what we have become-- whether because of, or in spite of-- the many blocks of experience that pile up on each other to create the way we think, the way we see, our expectations, our hopes and dreams, and even the way we interpret experience. So looking back and reexamining our history is a worthwhile experience. 

Do you remember being a kid, or the transformation into a teen and then young adult? Were you a happy-go-lucky kid who turned into an angry teen? Did sibling rivalry create havoc in your household? Did you rail against authority, were you the prom queen? And now, looking back at that time, do you see where you have come since then, and how? Those transformations, growing up, changing, honing your self and your skills and your thoughts into the person you wanted to become is really the work of life, and appreciating the bad right along with the good that made you the person you are today is what Appreciative Living is all about.

Right now, this past year has been probably the most challenging of my life. Finding that golden kernel to be grateful for has taken patience and forbearance, but looking back to all the good years, all the happy times, all of the good people who have graced my life with their love and friendship, has buoyed my spirits. I come from a loving family, strong in their sense of right and wrong, charitable, close, and quick to celebrate any good thing. My brother and I have had occasion recently to discuss our upbringing, and we agree on our great good fortune to have grown up in such a family, with strong leadership, and a solid moral foundation. When I find myself wondering how my parents would have approached some problem, or what they would have told me, I realize again that the golden kernel of my life has been my family and the love we have shared.

Those who we have been lucky enough to have loved are always with us. The others we can let go of. When love has been a part of our life, we can take it with us wherever we go. And the magic of life, is then to share again the love that someone has shared with us.

Thanksgiving Reflections 2012

I began an entry last week that I had not finished, because it was not flowing.  It opened with “What makes you happy?” This morning, the morning after Thanksgiving, I have different things on my mind. We learned that Abe Lincoln was the person who formalized a National Day of Thanksgiving, and from the ads for the current movie “Lincoln”, we have seen him portrayed as saying “we have the future of human dignity in our hands” with regard to the evils of slavery. But human dignity, and the giving of thanks is something that we have in our hands, our smaller, individual hands, every day, and the giving of thanks, every day, is the way we achieve human dignity.

I awoke this morning with another question in my mind: Who is happy? I am not sure if the answer that came to mind is a biblical phrase, or something far more mundane, such as a movie ad, but it was “Happy is the man (or woman) who appreciates what he has” and then I began to question: is it what he has, or what he has been given? In the early morning half-light, I pondered this for a while, and then wondered if it is all the same, or if there is a difference. It all boils down to being grateful. We are hearing so much more about gratefulness and happiness these days, and how they promote physical health, or am I just more attuned to these bulletins because I do so believe in Appreciative Living, and I struggle every day to be more in tune with appreciation rather than criticism? Gratefulness promotes health. If we were as diligent at being grateful as we are about going to the gym, or buying the “in” shoes, or networking with the right people, would we be happier and healthier? Yes, I think so.

I am guessing that every family has mixed emotions on our National Day of Thanksgiving, or should I say every person? A recurring holiday like this, with no distinctly religious overtones, one that belongs to everyone, no matter their religion or lack of it, takes us back to the way we celebrated as kids.  For some, the whole family was there, food was plentiful, whether a regal turkey, a ham, or a vegan feast, and it was a day of seeing relatives, perhaps reviving old relationships, good and bad, old arguments renewed, old feelings bubbling up from the place we keep them hidden from year to year. For others, it is a memory of privation, of being left out of the Norman Rockwell image of Grandpa carving the beautiful and perfectly prepared golden turkey at the head of the table, surrounded by admiring and loving family who all seem to be happily getting along. Still others might remember true hunger. Did I think yesterday to spare a moment of thought for the people on Skid Row, who were eating Thanksgiving dinner with strangers and due to the largesse of well-meaning organizations, or who had come to missions or churches and who were being served Thanksgiving Dinner by volunteers, and reflect on how much luckier I have always been than they? No, I am ashamed to say, that I did not.

I was reminded, being in the same place as I have been for the past many years, of all the people who have celebrated with us in the past, and who now no longer grace the table. I missed my parents and their siblings, who were the stable anchors of our lives, and who made us feel safe and protected. I missed my grandparents, our connections to the past in another place, to a shared history, and to being a link on a long chain of human history that has suffered and celebrated, struggled and triumphed, and still must guard against destruction.

My family, which has grown in size with the addition of the next generations, has chosen to break into manageable sized groups, but it has left me with a longing for my childhood when someone else shouldered the fallout from disagreements, and someone else was aware of who was missing.

 This morning, however, in the cold and dim light, with no food in evidence, I more sincerely, and with far greater feeling, give thanks for all I have and have had. It has been a tougher year than most, but I am grateful for a caring and loving husband, daughters I adore, a brother who has been my lifelong pillar of safety and all it means to be tied to another person by the bonds of shared history and memory and deep affection, and his wife and daughter, my cousins and their families who have been my lifelong friends, and to all those who have come before me, yet made me into the person I am. And of course to the Almighty, who sustains us in life and in sorrow and in joy.

My prayer is for the human race to see that all we have is each other and for the moment, our own small imperfect planet, and there is great value there, if only we look for it.

Good intentions

“How did this happen?” I ask myself.  I made an informal contract with myself that I would add to this blog twice a week, and had every intention of doing so, but you know what the road to hell is paved with, don’t you? 

So all my good intentions went for naught, and I took care of my ankle, sprained for the third time in two years when I tripped over the ramp that Lucy has to use to get into the car. I made up my mind to accompany my husband to every medical appointment, to check in on friends who need checking in on, and to listen to every webinar that could add to my professional expertise. Added to the regular routine of working, taking care of my household, worrying about the world, answering the phone every five minutes and hanging up on the political calls, the offers for free estimates for everything from installing solar energy to cleaning my carpets, the day slips away, and I have neither added to my blog, nor pursued my exercise plan, and I feel guilty and like I am not living up to my potential.

But, taking cues from my Learning Circles, from my appreciative living mentor, and from my own experiences, I have to ask myself, what can I learn from this? What lessons are there embedded in all of this? And how can I step to one side or the other to see what is good here?

Taking the first two principles, the constructionist and the poetic principle together, I can look at how I am telling this story. Let’s take a look at the ankle sprain. How am I going to tell this story? I tripped and the sprained ankle has limited me to the point that I have been unable to take walks, and I feel less sure of my balance. If I see this as something that is holding me back, then that is just what it is. 

However, if I see this event in a more positive light, as the way in which I have made contact with a group of physical therapists who are as involved in the community as I wish to be, who I have connected with in a way that may help us work together in a way that is mutually beneficial and benefits our community as well, then there is a good outcome to be seen here.  The poetic principle helps me to create the story that I want out of this experience, to tell it in such a way as to be appreciative of what is. No I am never going to appreciate spraining my ankle, but I can appreciate what has come out of the experience, and let that take me to the next step of imagining what could be.  I could create an alliance with a smart lady and we might work together in some way. We might be able to institute a program in our community that could benefit seniors as well as ourselves.

I’ll write in the next blog about the third step in the Appreciative Living Process, acting in alignment, so that possibilities can be realized.

Do What You're Doing

Have you ever arrived at a destination, and didn’t remember getting there?  Have you ever been so distracted, that a simple task that you could practically do in your sleep went awry? How much time are you spending on automatic pilot during the course of a day? I have come to wonder how many accidents could be avoided, if people would take the care to actually do what they are doing. I also wonder how much more we would all enjoy life, if we paid more attention to the moment.  How often to do you catch yourself doing more than two or three things at a time?  We have learned to distract ourselves when we are working out, so that we can walk farther on the treadmill, or do more reps of some colossally boring task.  The epidemic of the necessity to multitask has taken away from us the enjoyment of completing the task, doing it well, and taking pride and joy in a job well done.  Rushing through what we are doing in order to be able to do more, has robbed us of the luxury of concentration. Getting through our unending lists steals from us the gratification of enjoying the moment when a job well done can be appreciated.  Rushing on to the next task often leaves us unsatisfied because we have to wonder if we gave the last one our full attention. 

I walk in the early morning with my dog.  I take my phone along for emergencies, but never call anyone because it is so early. And because I am up before the sun, and not on the phone, and not planning my next task, I notice the weather, I notice the sounds of birds, I notice that the sun is rising later now than it did at the start of summer. I also greet other early risers, and we remark on the day, or greet other dogs. While I am walking, I abandon myself to Lucy (my dog) and the morning.  I notice whether the trees are just getting their leaves or dropping them.  It enhances my life in so many ways. I realize that every day is a gift, fresh and clean, ready to be what you make it. I try to enjoy whatever it is I am engaged in, to enjoy the people I am with, and to do what I am doing.   It creates more calm in my life. Try it. You might find you like it.

It's not that I don't multitask, but I am trying to do it less.  Last night I burnt a pot of simple syrup, because I was also washing knickknacks and putting them away. Sometimes I clean out drawers when I am on the phone on a long conversation. But when I do, I often wonder if I have gotten the most out of either activity and how much more interesting or enjoyable or complete the task would be if I gave my whole self to it.  What do you think?

Messages from your Body

     Many of our language expressions are reflections, or an understanding, that the body does send us messages, and it is when we fail to understand them, or pay attention to them, they “trip us up”, just as they did me last week. That “pain in the neck” can be a physical expression of the worry at work, that “other hand” that we look at, might be just the way to an open mindedness we need to consider, “getting off on the right foot” with a new project, or a new acquaintance is a good way to begin, “heartburn” might express an emotional need to do things differently, or even just think about things differently. “Shouldering” someone else’s burden might help them, but be sure you don’t take the whole load, lest you create “back-breaking” worry.

In other words, there is great wisdom in the body, but you have to tune your ears to listen and you eyes to see.  The messages from your body can be very subtle, unless you ignore it.  Then it is forced to have all the subtlety of a sprained ankle, caused by a totally unnecessary and clutzy spill, and all the grace of a dancing elephant.

Today, my foot is in a “boot”, and I have been instructed to stay off my feet for two weeks to heal the nasty sprain that I got last week. Reflecting over the last several days, I have realized that when my emotional “plate” is far too full, I tend not to pay very close attention to myself or my own well-being.  I am distracted by illness in the family right now, preoccupied with the random strong emotions of my loved ones, money worries, and miscellany that plagues us all from time to time.  I have realized that often, during these disturbing times, when all of my attention is elsewhere, I have a tendency to stomach ache, or more disturbing, to trip over my feet and fall. I have suddenly realized (finally), that this is a message from my body, saying “heads up, pay attention, look to yourself a bit”.

Our Western culture does not encourage us to listen to what our bodies are trying to say. Older civilizations than ours have recognized the great wisdom to found in listening to the body, and the healing of positive thinking, appreciative living, meditation, and visualization.  So listen with an open ear, a receptive heart, and a keen eye to what your body is telling you.  You will not be the worse for it.

Appreciating What Is

Aren't there days when you wish that things could be different?  Whether it's the weather, or your weight, or the way your kitchen looks right now, you just wish you could snap your fingers, or wiggle your nose, and everything would be just as you would like to have it.  But I wonder sometimes, if things were just as we want them to be, would we then be satisfied? 
Our culture, and the nature of the human condition, has taught us to identify problems.  It comes together with that fight or flight thing that's built in. If we were hunter gatherers on the savannahs of Africa, we would be keeping our eyes peeled for the predator who might be thinking of us as a meal.  If we are the walking alone at night, we are watching and listening for sights and sounds that might alert us to danger. If we are at home alone, and we hear a sound that is unfamiliar, we are alert for trouble.  It is a survival mechanism that we really don't have to learn, it is built-in.
What isn't built in is learning to notice and appreciate when things are going well.  We have a job we like, we are pretty healthy, we are comfortable where we live, the temperature is just right.  How often do you really appreciate how well things are going until one of them changes and you are less satisfied?
I, and others, have learned, and in my case, am learning every day, to notice what is going right.  I have begun to teach Learning Circles, and one of the earliest assignments is to notice and appreciate what is going right in your life.  If you want to try this, you will notice that each time you take the time to notice what is good and satisfying, you will notice more.  So take a piece of paper, or a notebook, and assign yourself 5 (measley) minutes at some specific time during the day to appreciate. It might just be something like "I really like my hair", and then spend 30 seconds or so really appreciating your hair, or "I am really grateful for the love of my dog" (I can attest that this will bring a smile to your face), or "I really love the view from my window".  As you begin to notice the things you appreciate, you will find yourself actively appreciating many things that you have been taking for granted, and in so doing will be bringing more joy into your life. 
Try it.  I think that you will find it improves your life in unexpected ways.  Just three a day.  5 minutes. No matter how busy you are, you can begin or end your day with 5 minutes of appreciation.  It will ground you in the good.

Elastic families

I am reminded that it is a very good thing to make a contract with oneself, because this is one of the ways that things get done.  I was so tired tonight, because today we moved furniture, I did laundry, went shopping, put away groceries, cleaned up the kitchen, moved some more furniture, and was thinking I was ready to drop, but then I remembered that I had a contract with myself to write my blog twice a week, so here I am to fulfill my contract. 
Everyday, I try to think of three things that I appreciate, and to really feel that appreciation for 30 seconds.  So today, I can appreciate how elastic are our homes and families. Our daughter has come home for awhile after breaking up with her husband.  It has challenged the way we use our rooms, and everyone has tried to adjust. Families have always been elastic, when they need to be--taking in a relative who needs shelter, welcoming new inlaws, drawing together when there is a loss, helping each other during hard times. Our homes manage to support those changes in size and form, and we open our doors, tighten our grip, and make it all happen.  Today we managed to give Bob a place that he can work at his computer unhampered, and while it is not the ideal situation, it will work as long as we need it to. That was what all the moving of furniture was about.
 In the same way, I grew up in a house that was maybe 1200 square feet, had three bedrooms and one bathroom that served nine of us.  There were 5 adults and 4 children, and while it was certainly harder on the adults that it was on me, the youngest of us, we managed.  Other post WWII families did the same, and somehow we grew up, got educated, lived, breathed, enjoyed, and lived productively.
So here is to the elasticity of families and of houses, whose walls embrace and protect us, whose warmth comforts, and whose willingness to adjust to our needs at any given moment are as good as it gets.

Summer is over

Wow, I never intended to take the summer off, but I have been so busy that every time I thought to myself,  "I have to post today," something took me away.  I have made a contract with myself to post at least twice every week, if not more.  So if you have given up hope of hearing from me, please come back.  I have been doing lots of new things, and I want to share them with you. 
I have been studying Appreciative Inquiry, and in so doing, have found Appreciative Living, and have done my first Learning Circle.  Let me tell you a bit about Learning Circles. They are a simple path to creating more joy in your life.  Would you like to energize yourself each morning?  Would you like to learn how to transform negative thoughts and beliefs that keep you stuck and unable to create the life you really want? You tell the stories of your life, both to yourself and to others, and the stories you tell make you feel the way you do. Guess what, you can not only change your future with Learning Circles, you can also change your past.  Wouldn't that be great?  Well, it is.  I am going to be talking in the blog both about Learning Circles, and about Appreciative Living in the days and weeks to come. Wouldn't you like to make your life a more joyful place?  Check back with me and I will be giving you some ideas how you can get started. 

Gifts and Gratitude

My horoscope for today reads: Everything, even the air you breathe, is a gift. This is all very much in keeping with what I have been reading and studying and preparing to go ahead with, and it makes me think that the Universe is in tune with me, or rather, vice versa, and is telling me to go ahead and do what I want to do.  I have been studying the method of Appreciative Inquiry in business coaching, and Appreciative Living to use in my coaching practice with individuals.  I have learned why in our practice, we say "Words create worlds", because our lives and how we see them is created around the stories we tell about it.
If you have two people who have seen the same accident, and one is horrified by it and its surroundings and its outcomes and aftermath, and one who sees it and is heartened by all the people who rushed in to help, and to bring comfort to the victim's family, do you have two people who saw different occurrances, or do you have two people who saw the occurrance through different lenses? What we focus on becomes our reality, and while there might be both a positive and negative to every situation, it is what we choose to focus on that sets the stage for us. "We do not see things as they are, but as we are" to quote Anais Nin. One of the things I am learning is that our reality is created as we speak of it, so if we focus on what was good, if we keep in mind what we want more of in our lives, and when we concentrate on our strengths and how we contributed to making the situation more of what we want, we are already looking through more positive lenses.
When I am angry, or sad, or disillusioned, or, I am learning to think "what is the good in this situation?" It is a very gradual process, and I don't yet always find what is good, yet.  But since I am already immediately looking for the good, I am sure to begin to learn to find it.
Starting with my horoscope today was not accidental.  It reminded me that I have resolved to keep a small gratitude notebook.  I refrain from calling it a journal, because it connotes more of a commitment than I am willing to commit to. On a page, marked from Monday through Sunday, I have committed three spaces for things from each day that I am grateful.  I take from 3-5 minutes, and I have committed to doing it at the same time each day in order to make it a habit. So for today, being reminded that the air that I breathe is a gift, I am grateful for that. The other two things that I am grateful for today is the pleasant lunch that I shared with my husband and daughters in a favorite old haunt that we haven't been to in a long time.  Having grown daughters, it is not always possible to meet together as a family for a meal. And the third is that while we have been worried about health concerns of loved ones, some things are looking up.
So, I am asking my readers to start a gratitude notebook, committing only 3-5 minutes to some things you have to be grateful for, and putting a more positive turn on your outlook.  Remember, it is a slow process to view life appreciatively, because we are natural problem solvers, but we get more of what we concentrate on, so concentrate on what you are grateful for and see what happens.

Sorry I've been gone so long

You've been on my mind, and I've been thinking about so many things. Right now, my family is going through some rough terrain, but keeping in mind that things can always be worse, and having a sense of gratitude for our strengths, our happiness in spite of rough times, our ability to pull together is making the way a bit lighter.

The only inevitability in life is change. How do you approach the changes in your life?  With fear and loathing? Or standing on the shoulders of your successes? Each forward step we take in life, in time, in space, involves change from the time and place before.  How have you learned to deal with that change?

I am an appreciative inquiry coach and I can help you, with the use of a simple blueprint, embrace change in the most positive ways, in ways that will enhance everything you do by building on what is already working well for you. 

Do you reinvent the wheel for every new endeavor? No, of course you don’t.  Think of all the changes you have made in your life without even thinking about them: the change from baby to toddler.  You didn’t dwell on the fact that you fell down after you took your first step, did you?  You built on that successful experience until walking was an automatic activity. How about when you changed from pre-school to Kindergarten? New school, new teacher, maybe new kids—what did you do?  You took what you knew that worked and built on it.  You said Hi to the kid on the playground, and you played the games you already know how to play and perhaps used some of the skills you had learned at other games to get good at the new ones. College was pretty different from high school, but again, you used some of the skills you learned there to fit in, to pass tests, to party. Think of all the life changes you have made, single to married, couple to parent, perhaps employee to entrepreneur or even to job hunter.

Some of those changes encourage us to accentuate the positive, like using what you already know from experience to solidify a promotion, and some of those changes make us think of ourselves as losers, like a job loss. 

By using the four step process of Appreciative Inquiry, you can positively influence the way your organization does business, and the way your family relates to each other. If you would like the widgets you manufacture to do better in the marketplace, there is an approach you can use to get you there. If you would like your family to wee life from a happier perspective, there are ways you can do that.  Stick with me and I will help.

I am promising here and now to help you learn how to make change more successful.  I will be publishing a minimum of once a week, so watch for me and learn how to tackle life in a new way.

Who am I?

How often, in the course of the everyday things we do as adults, do we stop and ask ourselves who we are and what we stand for? Over the past week, with Passover and Easter having beren celebrated, we all had the opportunity to stop and look around and take a moment to reflect. This morning in the park, Lucy and I encountered mountains of trash from people who celebrated Sunday in the park, and the leftovers of their food and games and revelry was evident, but in the quiet of the morning, I wondered how many of them took the time to discuss among themselves, or explain to their children who they really are and what they really believe in.
Bob talked about the difficulties of learning the prayers that his school required of him, when there was no follow through at home. He really had no idea why he was riding his bike long distances to learn something that seemed so unimportant to his parents. As a girl, I wondered why I did not get to learn the things that seemed so important to my parents. With so much information available to our children, and grandchildren on the internet, I wonder if we adults still manage to remain a mystery to them.  We require things of them, often hard and time consuming things, and we think it is self evident why they should acquire this knowledge, or behave this way, while it is really not so until a much later time.
This time of year, Spring, when newness is evident all around us, is for me a time of rememberance.  Both my parents died and three of my grandparents, in this season.  But I remember fondly what they taught me, even if I was puzzled at the time I was required to learn it. So as I prepared for the holiday, I thought about the people who taught me to be who I am, and how much love and caring was involved in that, and whether I am worthy of all they did for me.  I thought of all of the trials of immigration that my grandparents underwent, and the difficulties of being first generation American born and poor that my parents experienced, and then I thought of the ease of my life, the luck and the love that created who I have become, and I was greatly awed by all that contributed to who I am. While I am far from perfect, I am perfectly grateful to be me.

Finding the positive

It's been too long since I posted, but there have been no end of difficult happenings in my family lately, and I have been bogged down in the negativity.  But I have to keep remembering that a few weeks ago, I had the opportunity to substitute for a friend as the facilitator for an Alzheimer's Support Group, that is, a group of people who are dealing with Alzheimer's as caregivers and relatives of people with the condition.  I was not there as an Appreciative Inquiry Coach, but as a former member of the group. So I am aware that the process of losing a loved one to this disease is a wrenching heartbreak, because long before death takes the body, the disease takes the mind and memory.  After spending most of the meeting in the business of support, I asked the group if they would mind doing something different in the final 15 minutes of the meeting.  They agreed and I put on my Appreciative Inquiry hat.  I asked the group to think for a moment, if they could, of anything at all good that had happend as a result of where they found themselves right now.
Knowing that this was asking a great deal in the face of dealing with the devastation that can come as a result of a loved one having dementia, I waited to see what would happen.  I was deeply gratified to see that as we went from person to person around the table, each, with only one exception, was able to find one thing that they would term positive.  One man said he had deepend his relationship with his children, one woman said that when her husband had lucid moments, he was able to tell her he loved her, others said that they had learned to take better care of themselves, and so on.  Thirty people were able to find something positive in their lives with Alzheimers. We ended the meeting on a positive note, and almost everyone left with a smile. 
I have been bogged down by the difficulties in my life lately, illness in the family, deaths, surgeries, job losses, and other unpleasant happenings.  And so I have been away from my work as an AI coach, away from the daily dealing with the positive, and finding what is working and using it to make the future better. This morning, I had to remind myself, that Life is Good, and that there are rays of light even in difficult circumstances, and possibility abounds. We just have to be open to it.
Remembering my favorite quote from Marcel Proust, " The Voyage of Discovery lies not in seeing new vistas, but in having new eyes," I searched for the positive and found something magical that inspired me. Even in the darkest times, there might be a glint of the good, and you might again get in touch with the positive. You only have to look.

Appreciative Inquiry

I am an Appreciative Inquiry Coach and would love the world to adopt this very positive and wonderful way of working, interacting, and living in order for life, politics, and just about everything else regarding human beings, to be a more positive thing.
 In the mid 80s, David Cooperrider introduced Appreciative Inquiry, the idea that rather than focusing on trying to fix problems, which means constantly focusing our attention on problems, corporations look, with appreciation, at what is actually working.  His idea was that through the four step process he has named Discovery, Dream, Design and Destiny, human systems (meaning businesses, communities and families) could essentially accentuate the positive, and build on what is working well, in order to repeat and enlarge their successes.
The process should involve everyone concerned, rather than just management, or in the case of families, parents, so that everyone has input and therefore a stake in the outcome. When everyone has a say in what is working well, and everyone casts an appreciative eye at the system, participants are able to build commitment and confidence, so that they feel they have taken part in any resulting successes, and continue to participate in creating more successes.  This is a living process that can start simply by questioning what is working.  We have been taught to "learn from our mistakes", and so it is easy to fall into problem solving, again, focusing our attention on mistakes and problems. If we carry around a mental list of “don’ts”, when it comes time to act, will we know how to do so? Heightening awareness of what works gives us the confidence in what we are doing and how we are doing it, to continue to improve and build on success.

Enjoy the meadow

I wrote yesterday about "The Art of Possibility" and the authors speak in one of the later chapters about passion in music, and not getting so bogged down in playing individual notes or bars that you lose the overarching flow of the passage. I had a job once where the CEO, a famous scholar, used to say to us "Do not let the perfect be the enemy of the good". These things seem to me to be related.
Think of yourself walking though a meadow on a lovely warm day, the sun a golden honey ball of warmth, the grass or turf under your feet a brilliant green, the scent of freshness in the air intoxicating, the trees in the near distance swaying gracefully in a light breeze, when suddenly you notice a tall weed in your line of vision.  How will the rest of your walk in the meadow be after that?  Will it be spoiled by the note of imperfection, will your disappointment overcome your pleasure and joy in the day? Will you dwell on the single weed, and perhaps begin to look for more instances in the picture that mar its perfection? Will you begin to notice the bugs, or that there is a cloud of gnats ahead? 
Or are you the kind of person who thinks "Oh imagine that, a weed in such a lovely meadow" and go on from there. Perhaps you are the kind of person who will think that even in a meadow as lovely as this, there is room for a weed, the lowliest of all plants, to lift its head and reach for the sun. Will you continue to enjoy the meadow, or your vision of the meadow, or will you shut down?
The musician who is caught up in the overarching beauty of the music, will never be crushed by a few mistaken notes, but the musician who insists that each note be perfection, loses the meaning that he was meant to channel to his audience.  Which would you rather be?

Appreciative Inquiry, Alzheimers, and the Art of Possibility

I was asked by a friend to substitute for her today as the facilitatior of an Alzheimer's support group.  I am filled with admiration for how these people come together twice a month to support each other, and to share information, and to give each other a space where they can cry freely, bitch when they need to, and have a friendly group who understands, as no one else can, what exactly they are going though, even though in the Alzheimer's community there is a saying: if you know five people, (or ten or a hundred)people with Alzheimers, you know five (or ten or a hundred) different diseases, because no two people with Alzheimers are the same, or have the same reaction to meds, or decline in the same way. When the meeting was in progress, I was reminded of a wonderful book I read often, "The Art of Possibility" by Rosamund and Benjamin Zander.  Their premise is that "the more attention you shine on a particular subject, the more evidence of it will grow.  Attention is like light and air and water." As an Appreciative Inquiry coach, it is my basic way of dealing with how a company or business should proceed in team building, or a change in the organization.  "If we focus on obstacles and problems, they multiply lavishly." I like to focus on what is already working and what has been successful, as a guide.  So today, for the last 15 minutes of our meeting, I asked these courageous caregivers to try to think of one good or lovely thing that has come to them in spite of the heartbreak of a loved one slipping away by degrees. One woman said that in her search to care for her mother, they discovered that at the age of 90, she was a fine artist, something they had not previously known. Another remembered that all her married life, her husband of 63 years had daily told her "I love you still", and even though he had lost so much of his memory, he still tells her that, and the sweetness of it. Others said that they were learning to make a life for themselves, and almost all found a way to be grateful for something.  We left the meeting light of heart with the good things in mind, accepting the way things are, but finding something for which to be grateful.  I hope that each day, you too, can find something in the way things are for which to be grateful.
And I hope that you will pick up a copy of the Zanders' book, and read it often.  It is for me a twice a year read, and no matter how many times I read it, I always find an "aha", and I am always happy to be reminded of all the possibilities that exist if only we look for them.

Look around--People are terrific!

It's not every day that I sit up and realize that people are terrific, but when I do think about it and look around myself, I am so very impressed by what I see. Aren't you?
 All round us, there are people who are dealing with illness, job loss, unhappiness, and all sorts of other adversity, and yet, most of them manage to get up and make each day a new experience, a learning experience.  As humans, we have the ability to learn from each other, bring comfort to each other, to nurture those around us, and to conceive of making the world a better place. And so many people do just that. 
Think about a regular day that you go through your regular routine.  Perhaps you take the bus, and the bus driver greets youwith a smile as you step up, or the many places you go where someone offers a smile and asks if they can help you.  Maybe you volunteer to help children in some way, or are a literacy volunteer, or a Friend of the Library. Think of all the people you know who lead a Scouting group, or help in a classroom, or at a senior center.  Do you wonder where the people who walk for cancer, or Alzheimer's disease, or any of a number of causes get their strength? How many people do you know who are taking care of their grandchildren, or their elderly parents, or filling in for a neighbor somewhere when a loved one is in the hospital? If you look, you can see the angels all round, except that they're only human. They have bad days and good,  heartbreak and love, disappointment and delight, and yet manage to keep going and making the world a better place.
Doesn't it warm your heart that you are a member of the human race?  We have to use these very thoughts to lift our spirits after we've read the newspaper or seen a broadcast on any given day, since the policy of the news has become "if it bleeds, it leads".  It would be so easy to become cynical and to lose faith in our fellow humans if we do not make the effort to look for the good. So look around, and spend an hour or a day counting up the smiles that come your way, or the warm hellos you get, or the sense of support you feel, and then smile to yourself and say "Well, they're only human".

Special Needs, Who?

My experience as a kid, a nurse, a teacher, a parent, and a coach tells me that every kid ----no-- every person, every family, is a special needs family. The evolution of educational theory has brought us to the place where we talk about families with a special needs kid, and if we are not in the category, we breathe easier.  But let me tell you that we are all in that category, because it is not only the family with an autistic kid or an Asberger’s kid that has special needs, it is also the family with a gifted kid that has special needs, and the family of a prize winning athlete as well. Families where one of the parents’ travels have special needs, and single parent families have special needs. Families who have kids in the middle of the spectrum might have a parent with a job that creates special needs. Sometimes even a commute, or a sick grandparent or a hobby or a volunteer commitment creates special needs. And yes, the special needs of an ADD or ADHD child may be more worrisome than the needs of an intellectually gifted child, but they are equally time-consuming and concerning to a parent.

The big question here is this: when one member of a family has special needs, how are the other members being served? Is Mom getting the time she needs? Is Dad? It is easy to get caught up in the special attention that is required, and not so easy to see that the kid, or even the parent who is just cruising along and taking care of business every day is perhaps not talking about it, but in need of something special as well. It’s easy when exhaustion sets in to concentrate on problems to be solved, and that’s why we see so many families becoming problem-solving entities.  We know that systems move in the direction of what they study, and when families focus on the problems, much of what works best for the family, the positive core, is diluted.