What is Life?

My family sometimes loses patience with my cutting out of interesting articles for everyone to read, cute cartoons to save, and all kinds of stuff that I think will make us better people, make our household run better, help us to work more efficiently, and on and on and you get my drift. Part of the reason I cut them out is that I want to discard the magazine, but I don’t want to lose the ideas, so I file them, but in the short term, they can certainly add to the problem of clutter. This morning I ran across a random piece of paper on which I had written a quote that I thought at the time was brilliant, but today, I am not feeling it quite so much. It says: “Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.” In my kitchen, I have had a long vertical cartoon on my frig, that shows a baby creeping toward the end of a tall diving board, and then shows a progression of him going off the board as a toddler, then falling as a kid, then a bored adolescent, then a joyous young adult, and a businessman in suit and tie, then a possible retiree, and finally an oldster, letting go of his cane and grabbing his knees for that final cannonball. At the bottom is a small pool, with a great splash of water and at the edge is a tombstone. The quote is “LIFE: It’s not the size of the splash, but the joy you find along the way.” Before I looked at them together, I thought they said the same thing, but now I see I was wrong. If we measure our life, or our success, or our happiness only by the moments that take our breath away, we might be waiting a long time in between to consider it well lived. But if, along the way, we see the joy in every day, in the small things that bring comfort, or that lighten someone else’s day, or that are just a joy in the doing, then life is full indeed, and there is no waiting involved. If you awaken to the smell of fresh coffee being brewed, and it is your beverage of choice, then that aroma can bring so many things to you, the ‘joy along the way’, of knowing that someone wants to please you, or even if you set up a timer to put on the coffee the night before, the pleasure of having a cup of fresh brew, hot and ready when you are, a small pleasure that you can start your day with. This morning, I got up early, and changed the linens on my bed. I love the feeling of fresh linens, so that the next time I lay down in my own bed, ‘the joy along the way’ will involve the self-care that I took the time for, the ability I had in my own strength to accomplish that task, and the clean fresh smell that will greet me when I fall into the bed next. The moments that have taken my breath away are indeed those high point memories that we so love to review and to talk about. They are the stuff of day dreams. I remember seeing the murals of Diego Rivera in person in Mexico City. It did indeed take my breath away. I remember strolling through the Alhambra in Granada, Spain, and wondering of my forbears were ever there, and what did they think of what they saw. And I remember standing outside the British Museum, having seen the Elgin Marbles, and being quite amazed at how small they actually are. All of these were breathtaking events in my life, and it isn’t that I don’t want or expect to have more of them. I do and I will, I hope. But these memories are no match for the joy and the laughter that I experienced yesterday when my niece came with her lovely boyfriend to visit, and we looked at old photos of her Mom and Dad, both of blessed memory, and told stories and made dinner together, and I finally swept them out the door because I was tired. Huge breathtaking memories are no match for the family movies we watched, of a times when my parents were younger than I am today, smiling and laughing, and my girls as youngsters, and so many of our loved ones who have passed on by now were young and vibrant and full of life. They were so real, and we saw the joy again in their faces, and heard the loved voices that soothed us when we were ill, and scolded us when we needed it. Life is a series of twists and turns, and I am coming to realize that so much of it is just not of our own making or intention. We go along thinking that we have some control, and then the bubble bursts and we see that life, or depending on how religious you are, G-d, or the Universe has a different plan for you. I think that it is the grace with which you navigate that river of twists and turns that makes up a life. It is the joy in seeing the lovely things along the banks of that river, rather than worrying over much about the destination or whether there is going to be a thrill ride involved, and the quiet inlet that you arrive at, not finally, even though you make think it final, that is the story of a good life well lived. Happy Anniversary, Robert.

You are a hero--act like one.

Have you ever felt that your life was a novel? And there you are, the hero or heroine of it, but you are not feeling much like a hero or heroine. Because what does a hero do? He (or she) saves the day, right? They behave as if no danger is too much for them to take care of, no villain too evil for them to vanquish. And they do it as if it is the stuff of every day. To the observer, it does not seem as if they are breathing hard, or as if their heart is beating faster, or as if they are experiencing fear. For the hero (or heroine), fear is just not part of the program. But for us regular folks, fear is a part of our everyday existence. Well, as I grow older and wiser, I realize that I have but to look around myself at any gathering of people, and all I see are heroes. And why do I feel this way? Because I am coming to realize that we are all the heroes of our own novel. There are so many old sayings that recognize that life is not really that “bowl of cherries” from that old, old song. “Into each life, a little rain must fall”. For some, it seems like a drizzle, and for others, a downpour, intermittent showers or even a veritable flood. But we all get wet. Some of us put on a raincoat and continue on our way, and some take shelter in a doorway, but in the end we all have to deal with it, and that dealing is what makes us all heroes. Sure, some deal better than others, some have support, some resort to things that in the short term make the problem worse, but we all have to deal. So today, I am having intermittent showers. Too bad I can’t transfer that to the outside where the weather is so dry that the wild creatures in my yard are coming to the pool to drink. But I am dealing with it, if not like Superman or Wonder Woman, I am being the heroine of my own life. I am meeting the lumps and bumps of life with a positive, appreciative attitude and helping those around me to see the sunnier side to whatever we have to deal with. I am fortunate to have great friends and the best family who are supportive whenever I need them. What could be better than that? Of course the answer that leaps to the lips is “not to have any lumps or bumps”, but that is not only unrealistic in this imperfect world of ours, it is also uninteresting, and it doesn’t help us to grow. If you just sailed along, what would you learn about overcoming adversity? If there was never a bump in the road, would you know to slow down when you saw one ahead so that you could either navigate around it or slow down to take it easier over the top? So while I hope that the road will always be smooth before you, I know that it won’t, so I share with you what I have learned. Take it easy. Being too serious about the rain means that you are not appreciating that the flowers are being watered, and the tomatoes as well, which means both beauty and food. Also, be mindful that every ending is a new beginning (my new favorite saying), so be on the lookout for all that there is to learn, all that there is to experience, and all that you have inside you that proves that you are the hero of your own life.

The Joys of Mastery

It occurred to me this morning that when I wrote yesterday about repeating some action or effort you once took that was so hard the first time, I was really talking about the Joys of Mastery. Just about the only things we are born knowing how to do are eat sleep breathe, and basic bodily functions that are not yet under our control. Actually even eating sleeping and breathing are things we learn to master later. Earlier they are just “there” under the control of the autonomic nervous system. Think about all the things you do in a day that are done on automatic pilot—in other words, you don’t have to consciously think about them. From the moment we arise in the morning, we go to the bathroom, something we learned to control when our mothers thought we were ready to do so. We talk to our spouse or child, another learned behavior that we mastered at a very young age, dress ourselves, which I’ll remind you we took over the job from Mom or nanny or whoever, walk through the house. Walking is a trial and error experience that we work at until we get it right. And from that we move on to running and jumping and playing games. Think of how masterful you are that you not only know how to do these things, but you have Mastery. Unfortunately, war, accidents, or trauma sometimes intrude on our mastery of a skill, and it has to be learned all over again, but the brain is a marvelous place that allows new pathways to be built when something causes an established pathway to close down. We get so good at things and sometimes we do them so on automatic pilot, that we forget to pay attention to what we are doing, hence, the idiots who text while driving. While we can drive along and listen to the radio or a book, we have to be ever vigilant and prepared to slow down or stop. Just because it’s easy and it feels as if we have mastered all the little nuances of the activity, it doesn’t mean that we can be ‘out to lunch’ when we are doing it. I seem to have slipped off the track here for a moment, because what I really wanted to say today is very much the way I want to live my life, and if you try it, you will love living yours. Appreciate all the things you have mastered in your life, all the things that we all come to take for granted. Everyone masters different life skills, corresponding to what their life is like, but we all master the basics, talking, walking, etc. If you grew up on a farm, you might notice the weather far more than if you grew up in the desert. If your life was in the city, you might know how to hail a cab, or jump on a cable car or make the subway. If you lost a parent early in life you learned skills that others might not have, and the same if you lived in a place where war touched your life. As human beings, we have such elasticity, such adaptability, such amazing powers of Mastery. So take some time to appreciate all the things you know, all the things you are, and all the possibilities out there of things you can learn and master. And then, Appreciate what an amazing creature you are, and bask in the Joys of Mastery.

Doing things again.

Today I decided I was too tired to do anything but sew. It is one of my favorite pastimes, and better than therapy when I am mulling things over. It seemed a good time to make something really hard, so I undertook to make a jacket that I have made before, and was probably the hardest thing I have ever constructed. It is a jacket designed for travel, with lots of secure pockets in the lining for carrying passports and money and whatever. Although I am not much of a traveler, I made this jacket a while back, and it took me a couple of weeks to follow all the detailed instructions of where things were supposed to be attached to be both secure and accessible. Today, I wondered at first why I wanted to spend another couple of weeks making a jacket that have not yet worn, but in another fabric. Then I knew that I needed to be absorbed, and this would fill the bill. But I found out something very interesting. After about two concentrated hours of pinning, pressing, and sewing, I am about one third of the way finished. The way is familiar, the destination plain to me, and it just requires my attention to get the job done. It occurred to me that there are so many things in life just like that. Remember finding your way to school for the first time? It all seemed so mysterious, and then it wasn’t. Remember your first day on the job, any job, and how you wondered if you would ever master this complicated process? And then you did, and by the time you taught it to your replacement, it all seemed like a piece of cake. So many of the firsts that we do in life are like that, aren’t they? How nice to confirm that we learn by doing, and that life can get easier in some ways while it is getting harder in others. I think it is important to confirm to ourselves that we are constant learners, and that with the learning comes something else—the responsibility of passing on what you have learned to someone else. Last week I shared some of what I learned at the Shoah Foundation to a class of 6th and 7th grade students. I cannot know what they took away, and of course it was not the first time this subject has been introduced to them and surely it will not be the last, but it felt right to be a conduit between the past and the present and the future. Teaching is something I have not done in a while, and it reminded me of how very important it is to keep in touch with those learning about what you already know. There is always a new question that comes up that makes you think or reflect. There is a new pair of eyes that you can look through to give you a new view. So today, I recommend that you do something complicated—again. It might be cooking a complicated dish, or writing something about your thoughts, or building something, or fixing something in your house. It might be repairing a relationship that needs some work. Doing it again is easier and nicer the second time around.

The Elasticity of Time

The last weeks have treated me to a lesson in how differently we see time in different stages and experiences of life. Remember being a child and waiting for something that you wanted pretty badly to happen? The wait was endless. For some kids, waiting for Christmas or Chanukah or a birthday makes time creep along like the slowest snail on the team; for me it was waiting for the first day of school. It was the day I wanted more than anything else, and since it came generally the week after my birthday, it was a double waiting whammy. In our house, by the time I realized that I was the only kid left behind when the others went off to school, I figured that school must be some terrific place. When finally my family moved to our own place (we had been living in a multiple family home) I was ready for kindergarten and that was just fine with me. I loved school and could hardly wait for the end of weekends, and later the end of summer. When we were older, we waited for what? We waited for summer to begin, we waited to be asked on dates, we waited for graduations and milestones, and we waited for love. Some of our waits were open ended, like waiting for love, and some had a time stamp, or an expiration date. If we had no date for the prom, well, it wasn’t really the tragedy that we felt it was at the time. But the expiration date took away the pain until the next occasion that we wanted to go to and needed to be asked. (You can tell this was prior to the freedom of girls doing the asking) The time stamped waits were for parties, the end of the school year, graduation, and later, weddings and pregnancies. It only seemed like the period of gestation for a human being was two or more years. The same nine months, give or take a week, applied to everyone. As we mature, the waits become quite a bit more profound, and not easier, and while some seem to stretch time beyond imagining, and others seem to shrink it, the same sixty minutes pass by every hour, and the same 24 hours every day. Waiting to hear the doctor’s pronouncement on your sick child’s status makes the clock seem to be stuck in molasses, and knowing that death lies close by our sick parent reminds us of all the things we meant to say and didn’t take the time. Same 24/7, but couldn’t be more different. Each of us experiences crises and high points, thrills and chills as they say in the movies, and feels them differently. I have been reminded in the last couple of weeks to slow down and appreciate, and to hurry up and get things done. I have kicked myself for wasting time watching TV, and thoroughly enjoyed myself teaching a class to sassy 7th graders to remind them that they must take up the reins to be witnesses to history. I have, as we always do, reminded myself that this is only February, and I have already let some of my resolutions take a back seat to my busy-ness. So while time seems to be crunching up when you are paying attention to getting those taxes In to the accountant, filling out the forms that they need at your child’s school, and paying your bills, don’t forget to put “you” on the list, and let the elasticity of time stretch out so that you can read a couple of those magazines you love that are getting stacked up in the corner, don’t forget to stretch the time you spend hugging your kid or your dog, or making the acquaintance of the elderly couple that walk in the park at the same time you do. It’s all time well spent.

Living Mindfully

How does it happen that the days go zipping by, and we hardly notice them one by one, but then we look up, and it’s already February? I think that from now on, I am going to have a summing up time, so that I can mark what has happened in my life. If every day, or let’s say every evening, I were to take five minutes to look back on the day, and see what went well, what I might like to have done differently, where I need to make adjustments, I think that this reflection might be beneficial. Don’t you? It could be done while I brush my teeth. Your mind is essentially unoccupied while you are flossing, so what about taking up that empty space in reflection? And then, while I am changing my clothes, another mindless activity, take another five minutes to think of the day ahead, not to plan my to-do list, but to plan how I want to feel, what way I can leave the world a little better, how I can make someone else’s day a little brighter, I think that would be a good thought to take to bed with me. Perhaps then the days would not just slip by without notice, but be time periods when differences were made by mindful living and thinking. At the end of a week of more mindful living and thinking, I will have some worthwhile things to reflect on. Sometimes, and I am in one of those times, we are brought up short by the unexpected. And it is not necessarily even bad things that happen. It is just not part of the regular program. It is a reminder that we have only so much time on this earth to accomplish what we hold most dear. Today is the day to get about it. Leaving the important stuff, like taking better care of ourselves, until we have time, is just silly. We have to carve out the time to do what is important, to say what needs to be said, and to be who we want to be. I have a quote on my refrigerator, the source of all wisdom. It says: When you know who you are and what it is you want, you are that much closer to getting it. So take today to think about those two things. Who are you? And What do you want? It won’t come to you all at once, and tomorrow you might change, but if you start to think about it today, you are that much closer to the answer. Have and great and mindful day.