Regaining Control

It was never my intention to take a month off from writing my blog. But I have been caught up in a whirlwind of diagnosis and its aftermath. And while that in itself is disorienting and frightening, I realized this morning that the worst part of it is the loss of control that comes with it. It seems to me that for the last month I have been at the ‘mercy’ of doctor appointments, pain and fear. But yesterday I got a wake-up call from an unexpected source and I am very grateful. The past couple of weeks have been full of bad news and worse news, the prospect of what is ahead, and the feeling that I am being battered about like a straw in the wind. I was not quite sure what I was-- and was not--supposed to do. I know that there is all kinds of support out there, but I was not reaching them and they were not reaching me. Worst case scenarios were all I could see, and I was mourning all the things that I was thinking I would be losing. The pain from my extensive surgery was completely out of my control, because I never knew whether it would be there on any given day, and whether it would be bearable. In addition, each time I dress and undress, the scars are a reminder of how tenuous is our hold on life and health as we have known it. Up until the moment that I heard the doctor say “the biopsy was positive, you have breast cancer” I thought of myself as a healthy energetic person, in control of my life and my destiny. From that moment on, life began to spin out of control, and I was forced to march to a wholly different drummer. While pain and fear are equally unpleasant in the health sweepstakes, I have come to understand that a loss of control is the most frightening thing that has happened to me so far. When the doctor said “make an appointment today with the surgeon, or get this test or that one sooner than later, and schedule this or that now, despite whatever other plans you may have thought you had, you know that you are losing, or have lost control. When one day you wake up in pain, with no explanation as to why that is-- no overdoing it in the garden, or at the gym—and are not sure of when it will stop or how to stop it, you know that control is out the window and for me at least, a mild panic began to set in. Pain pills give me nausea and headaches, so it’s not a good tradeoff. Pain drains me of energy, so I was doing a lot of sleeping, also the healing process takes lots of energy, I am told, and what with not being able to eat either, energy was at a low ebb. Another source of “okay, where do I go from here?” I had not connected with any of the many support situations that are available, so lots of empty time and space was hanging on me. Deciding I had had enough of sitting around, I went to the bra shop. Linda had so much good information for me, that I was weak with relief. I think that this was the beginning of getting some control back in my life. As the day wore on and I made phone calls and connected with people, I felt stronger and more like ME. While I was aware of needing support, I didn’t really realize that my family needed it too. So tomorrow we will all go off to an orientation at the Cancer Support Community and get some of our needs met. Another step on the road back to control. Then the mail came, and I was surprised to receive a booklet from a friend of my sister-in-law. She explained that this had helped her on her road to recovery, and was sharing it with me, and hoped that I too would pass it on when the time was right. Long story short, the author feels that she has healed herself and others with a method of breathing and visualization that she has used over many years. She claims that it can cure users from stress and pain. So I decided to try it. Trying her method, I realized it was the equivalent of meditation, which I have practiced for many years. So when a sharp pain struck, I closed my eyes, took a few deep breaths, and found some relief concentrating on my breath. She concentrated on a “great white light, which had come from a rainbow”, but I realized it was the interruption of the panic that ensues when pain strikes with no understanding of how long or how bad it will be that takes the focus off the pain and onto the breath. It was the road to the recovery of control. I have a book given me by a gentle Buddhist friend—“When the student is ready the teacher will appear”—and so often in life, that phrase proves itself to me. When I am ready for a new thought, or new understanding, something comes to me in some form to reinforce what I really need to know. I needed to understand that abandoning myself to the fear of pain was not healthy. While my breathing exercise does not always take the pain away, it gives me a response to it other than panic, and erasing the panic gives me a sense of control, a sense that I am back in the game. The teacher was unexpected, but the lesson was all important. I, the student, who had taken a dim view of concentrating on the “great white light” realized that we all have our own version of the great white light, and it was a reminder to use the resources that I have developed over a lifetime to help me when I needed help most. So welcome back, control. And thank you Marsha for thinking of me and passing on something that this student was ready to hear.

Feeling Lucky? Well,You should

I have been thinking over the past week how much we take for granted, and how much the poorer we are for that. I suppose it is a human failing, and since we are human, we must accept imperfection. But wouldn’t it be nice if we could appreciate more, and I’m not talking about the extraordinary things, but the ordinary everyday things? Last week’s rain seemed to have brought with it an allergy bomb. Everyone I know who suffers from seasonal allergies surely thought they had a cold last week. I know I did, and it made me quite miserable. Since I was also recovering from a surgery I had had, it was twice as miserable to have a drippy nose and cough. But with the exception of the cough, it’s all behind me now. Our everyday good health is something we surely take for granted. We awaken, even if we have had a poor night, and go about our business. For some it means getting off to work, or getting the kids off to school, or pulling ourselves into our day. Easier said than done for some who are struggling with illnesses or mental or emotional challenges. Wouldn’t it be nice to take note of how you are able to negotiate that stubborn toaster, or how easy the commute to work was today, or how your stubbornly picky eater ate the breakfast without a single complaint? No need to thank God or your stars or the Universe, but just to take note. It will lighten your step. I am also guilty of taking for granted the plenty that I experience every day, although I work hard to make that a fact. I was thinking of running out of the tissues in my box in the middle of the day, and I had but to ask Bob to get me another from under the sink where I store extras to be supplied with a fresh box. How lucky am I that I can afford to keep extra boxes of tissues on hand? Same goes for bread and butter and milk. If we have run out of the spare half gallon, then someone can zip down to the store and get another without having to retrieve change from the couch cushions. Not everyone is that lucky. I realized today that although I have been ill, all of my needs were met, I was never hungry or cold, I had the luxury of clean clothes and sheets, medical care available—what more could one need? What we need is to notice our amazing luck to have been born in this time and this place, to these parents, who taught us and nurtured us and educated us and loved us. So today, while people are still asking “How are you feeling?”, I can say truthfully, that I am fine and for that I am grateful. So will I not take things for granted in future? Of course I will because after all, I am human. But will I continue to take that five minutes before sleep claims me at night to realize a couple of things I have to be grateful for? Nothing formal, nothing written, yes, I will do that too. Today I learned something so significant from just the preface of a book loaned to me for my convalescence, that I can’t wait to get to the meat of it. And that is that every act has two parts. The giving and the receiving, the speaking and the hearing, the teaching and the learning, and so on. When we are on the giving or speaking or teaching side, it is incumbent upon us to make sure that the other side is possible as well. If what I teach falls on deaf ears, then what have I offered. Today I am grateful for that. And I will not take for granted that what I say has been heard or understood, that what I have taught has been learned. And this goes for the "luck" we experience in our lives. It happens and if we receive it with awareness and notice, it brings more joy, a better outlook, the ability to think of ourselves as "Lucky", which make our whole life seem better. I think of myself as Lucky, I hope you will too.