Thanksgiving 2013

If we could only learn to give thanks not only on the last Thursday in November, but every day, it is amazing how much better our world would be not to mention our health and our relationships. Thanksgiving was created as a national holiday, but has turned into the gateway shopping day for businesses to catch up on their bottom lines, and for people who worry, and I mean actually worry, about gifting. We invite friends, or visit family, we travel great distances, we eat too much. Our hosts worry about what to serve, who to please, and whether Aunt Minnie and Uncle Herb will be bringing the fight to the table again. Some of our loved ones are too far away to make the trip, so we will miss them, and feel a bit of emptiness right next to our hearts. Those of us who have lost loved ones since the last Thanksgiving will be thinking and remembering; some will be still in the midst of their grief, and some will have made enough peace with the reality of loss to be able to remember the good times with a sad smile. Is yours a family that takes this opportunity to give thanks to the Almighty for all of your blessings? Or is yours a family that greets each other and falls on the food? Either way, I hope you will take this opportunity this year to realize that whether or not you approve of the government as it stands today, you and I a madly fortunate to live in our beloved country. Our history is often simplified to the point of Indians and Pilgrims dressed up in brown paper bags, feasting on candy corn and the like. But let us remember what has brought us here today. A group of people who were fleeing oppression, came to these unknown shores, not knowing what they would find, but knowing that they would probably never see the loved ones they left behind again. Some did not survive even one harsh winter in the new land, and probably died of disease or despair. But even they still contributed to the success they made of this adventure that is our legacy, one that we should recognize and be grateful for. This country, this United States of America is the grand experiment that we are fortunate enough to be a part of. We have not, as a country been perfect, nor or we likely to be, but we are trying. Our brothers and sisters, new Americans and old-timers, have lived through war, often brother against brother, depression, economic hardship, assassination, racial hatred, and more recently attack and yet, we manage to mostly help each other in times of hardship, to comfort each other in times of sorrow, and to shelter each other when the need arises. We are a lucky people, and when I look around, I see people with generous hearts, and open hands. We are Americans. We are sometimes foolish and silly like everyone else, we are sometimes good hearted and generous. I hope you will take a moment tomorrow to ask around the table what each of you is grateful for, and when you answer, to remember those who made the sacrifices that made it possible for you to be where you are today. It’s a long line back, and while you are remembering, remember also the brave Maccabees, who, like the Pilgrims made sacrifices to maintain who and what they were. Save your shopping for another day, and spend your day and evening thinking and giving Thanks.

Letting go and acceptance

How often in your life have you use the words “if only…”? We all do it. If only we had been kinder, if only we had understood more, if only we had been paying more attention, if only we had taken another path. That ‘if only’ implies that we are unhappy with the outcome of something that has happened, so if we had done something a bit differently, the outcome would surely been more to our liking. But we really have no way of knowing whether that is true or not. Perhaps taking another path would have led us to a different outcome, but can we really be sure it would have been one more to our liking? Every life, every person has things that come to pass that are just too hard to accept, too unexpected, too awful, and it is then that the “if only” jumps to mind. And even those mundane parts of life that happen differently than we would have liked them to, are subject to the ‘if only’ yardstick. We put ourselves in the frame of ‘what might have been’ and fight heartily, so often until we wear ourselves out mentally and emotionally, and still nothing changes. ‘What might have been’ is the ghost that we fight when we are feeling inadequate, less than, vulnerable. ‘If only’ is that nighttime companion that we argue with when sleep eludes us and we find ourselves searching for something to pass the time until exhaustion or morning, whichever comes first. No matter where our ‘if only’ fantasies take us, we really cannot get there, and the fight, the passion, the struggles only leave us bruised and battered, with no more acceptable outcome. It is like sparring with shadows. ‘Accepting what is’ and finding a way to make that work in your life is the beginning of creating a brighter tomorrow. ‘Accepting what is’ is not the same as giving up or giving in, it is the beginning of wisdom. It can be the beginning of finding a creative way to solve the problem, or the beginning of learning to ask for the help you might need. It might be the beginning of recognition that a new path might hold a solution. And it is certainly the first step in seeing ‘what is’ in a new light, and perhaps finding something to appreciate in it. There are some people who subscribe to the philosophy that ‘everything happens for a reason’ and isn’t that a parallel to what the poet Ranier von Rilke said, that “out of every tragedy, there are the seeds of something wonderful and beautiful”. Since we are not usually saying ‘if only’ when something terrific and marvelous happens, it is important to build that muscle, that acceptance habit, in order to move ahead. Acceptance is not about giving up, it is about stopping the fight before we are battered and bloody. If we can learn to look for the reason, for the wonderful, then we have a beginning on the road of appreciating what is. So think about starting the New Year with letting go of what might have been, and accepting what is.

Will you Celebrate or Cringe?

Yesterday, I wrote that I have been born into a community and have lived all the stages of my life in that community (with some interruptions when I lived out of town). When I enumerated the stages of life--child, youngster, teen, etc--it reminded me that I am not generally one to sit and look at photo albums. I have a pretty vivid memory, and I always think that I will remember this day or that occasion. But do we remember? And what do we remember? Specifically I am referring to the process of all those stages of life. As children, we are unaware of our looks if we are lucky and not some pageant child fulfilling her parents’ dreams. My favorite picture of myself at that stage is one in which I am in the backyard, wearing over-alls, and have dirty hands and a smudge on my face. I don’t remember that day specifically, but I do remember many days like it and how free and happy I felt. The overalls were gray. I, like other young girls, grew into an awareness of how I looked, and later pictures are of a more self-conscious girl, a teen maybe, whose hair was combed and who had a camera smile on her face. Wedding pictures show a young woman with nice makeup, a nervous groom, and stars in her eyes. Later pictures of that era show long dark hair, the silly clothes of the era, and either impatience with the camera, or posing for it. Then come the baby pictures, and the early birthday parties, when mom (me) is looking more tired, but mature and happy. Hair was shorter because there was no time for long hair and two babies. Life was far more complicated and it began to show. When I look in the mirror today, I am more aware of my father’s nose. My hair began to gray in my forties, but I liked it so I still have gray hair. Sometimes, the person I see in the mirror does not look at all familiar and I wonder who she is. When did this line appear? And what will I look like tomorrow? But does this scare me or make me sad? I am glad to say that it does not. The privilege of living brings with it some changes. Our skin is not as resilient, but our spirits are. Our eyes, which have seen sorrow, and shed tears when we thought our hearts would break, have also seen joy, and shone in appreciation at the beauty of a sunset, or a new discovery. If you are lucky enough to have laugh lines, I hope that you have shared the jokes and the smiles with those you have loved. Photographs sometimes take us by surprise when we realize how we have changed in appearance over the years, but I hope you are not disappointed. Because you have taken the ride of a lifetime, you have seen and heard and tasted and felt all that came your way, and along that way, you have used this wonderful creation that is your body. Don’t let vanity rob you of even a millisecond of those good times that may or may not have taken a toll on the package. Celebrate the party that you have lived!

Do you have a motto?

Forgot to post this yesterday: Last night I had the good fortune to attend a beautiful celebration honoring three people who have been long time volunteers in our community. I was born into this community, so I have lived in it as a child, a youngster, a teen, a “young lady”, a young married, a wife and mother, and now an elder. Many of those who I grew up with have drifted away from our community, some have died, and now newcomers, or should I say later-comers have taken their place as my friends and respected colleagues. Many of our later-comers, like those being honored last night, have traveled a long road, both literally and figuratively, to have arrived at this place. All of them born in other countries, they fled-- away from danger, and to what they hoped would be a better life for them and for their children. Their gratitude for what they have been given--the opportunity to earn, to learn, and to prosper has made them people who help others, who volunteer, who have vision beyond their own needs and wants, and who are happy to share. The couple who were honored told me that their motto is “To give more than to take”, and each of the three recipients of our synagogues highest honor exemplifies this in how they live and work with people. How fortunate I feel to call them friends, and how honored I am to be in their lives and to have them in mine. Congratulations, Hamid, Mireille and Saul.