Appreciating what is

I have discovered that it is much easier to ‘Appreciate What Is’ when things are going well, than it is to do so when things are not so good. I am sure that you are thinking something like what my mother would have said if she were alive—“Columbus!”—meaning this is not such a big discovery.  Of course it is easier to pick out a couple of good things in all the bounty of good times, and to appreciate the hell out of them. But it is precisely when things are not so good that we have to pick over all the things in our lives, even the bad and find a kernel of gold to appreciate.

Situations being what they are, I have been thinking a lot about the past. Our history is what makes us what we have become-- whether because of, or in spite of-- the many blocks of experience that pile up on each other to create the way we think, the way we see, our expectations, our hopes and dreams, and even the way we interpret experience. So looking back and reexamining our history is a worthwhile experience. 

Do you remember being a kid, or the transformation into a teen and then young adult? Were you a happy-go-lucky kid who turned into an angry teen? Did sibling rivalry create havoc in your household? Did you rail against authority, were you the prom queen? And now, looking back at that time, do you see where you have come since then, and how? Those transformations, growing up, changing, honing your self and your skills and your thoughts into the person you wanted to become is really the work of life, and appreciating the bad right along with the good that made you the person you are today is what Appreciative Living is all about.

Right now, this past year has been probably the most challenging of my life. Finding that golden kernel to be grateful for has taken patience and forbearance, but looking back to all the good years, all the happy times, all of the good people who have graced my life with their love and friendship, has buoyed my spirits. I come from a loving family, strong in their sense of right and wrong, charitable, close, and quick to celebrate any good thing. My brother and I have had occasion recently to discuss our upbringing, and we agree on our great good fortune to have grown up in such a family, with strong leadership, and a solid moral foundation. When I find myself wondering how my parents would have approached some problem, or what they would have told me, I realize again that the golden kernel of my life has been my family and the love we have shared.

Those who we have been lucky enough to have loved are always with us. The others we can let go of. When love has been a part of our life, we can take it with us wherever we go. And the magic of life, is then to share again the love that someone has shared with us.

Thanksgiving Reflections 2012

I began an entry last week that I had not finished, because it was not flowing.  It opened with “What makes you happy?” This morning, the morning after Thanksgiving, I have different things on my mind. We learned that Abe Lincoln was the person who formalized a National Day of Thanksgiving, and from the ads for the current movie “Lincoln”, we have seen him portrayed as saying “we have the future of human dignity in our hands” with regard to the evils of slavery. But human dignity, and the giving of thanks is something that we have in our hands, our smaller, individual hands, every day, and the giving of thanks, every day, is the way we achieve human dignity.

I awoke this morning with another question in my mind: Who is happy? I am not sure if the answer that came to mind is a biblical phrase, or something far more mundane, such as a movie ad, but it was “Happy is the man (or woman) who appreciates what he has” and then I began to question: is it what he has, or what he has been given? In the early morning half-light, I pondered this for a while, and then wondered if it is all the same, or if there is a difference. It all boils down to being grateful. We are hearing so much more about gratefulness and happiness these days, and how they promote physical health, or am I just more attuned to these bulletins because I do so believe in Appreciative Living, and I struggle every day to be more in tune with appreciation rather than criticism? Gratefulness promotes health. If we were as diligent at being grateful as we are about going to the gym, or buying the “in” shoes, or networking with the right people, would we be happier and healthier? Yes, I think so.

I am guessing that every family has mixed emotions on our National Day of Thanksgiving, or should I say every person? A recurring holiday like this, with no distinctly religious overtones, one that belongs to everyone, no matter their religion or lack of it, takes us back to the way we celebrated as kids.  For some, the whole family was there, food was plentiful, whether a regal turkey, a ham, or a vegan feast, and it was a day of seeing relatives, perhaps reviving old relationships, good and bad, old arguments renewed, old feelings bubbling up from the place we keep them hidden from year to year. For others, it is a memory of privation, of being left out of the Norman Rockwell image of Grandpa carving the beautiful and perfectly prepared golden turkey at the head of the table, surrounded by admiring and loving family who all seem to be happily getting along. Still others might remember true hunger. Did I think yesterday to spare a moment of thought for the people on Skid Row, who were eating Thanksgiving dinner with strangers and due to the largesse of well-meaning organizations, or who had come to missions or churches and who were being served Thanksgiving Dinner by volunteers, and reflect on how much luckier I have always been than they? No, I am ashamed to say, that I did not.

I was reminded, being in the same place as I have been for the past many years, of all the people who have celebrated with us in the past, and who now no longer grace the table. I missed my parents and their siblings, who were the stable anchors of our lives, and who made us feel safe and protected. I missed my grandparents, our connections to the past in another place, to a shared history, and to being a link on a long chain of human history that has suffered and celebrated, struggled and triumphed, and still must guard against destruction.

My family, which has grown in size with the addition of the next generations, has chosen to break into manageable sized groups, but it has left me with a longing for my childhood when someone else shouldered the fallout from disagreements, and someone else was aware of who was missing.

 This morning, however, in the cold and dim light, with no food in evidence, I more sincerely, and with far greater feeling, give thanks for all I have and have had. It has been a tougher year than most, but I am grateful for a caring and loving husband, daughters I adore, a brother who has been my lifelong pillar of safety and all it means to be tied to another person by the bonds of shared history and memory and deep affection, and his wife and daughter, my cousins and their families who have been my lifelong friends, and to all those who have come before me, yet made me into the person I am. And of course to the Almighty, who sustains us in life and in sorrow and in joy.

My prayer is for the human race to see that all we have is each other and for the moment, our own small imperfect planet, and there is great value there, if only we look for it.

Good intentions

“How did this happen?” I ask myself.  I made an informal contract with myself that I would add to this blog twice a week, and had every intention of doing so, but you know what the road to hell is paved with, don’t you? 

So all my good intentions went for naught, and I took care of my ankle, sprained for the third time in two years when I tripped over the ramp that Lucy has to use to get into the car. I made up my mind to accompany my husband to every medical appointment, to check in on friends who need checking in on, and to listen to every webinar that could add to my professional expertise. Added to the regular routine of working, taking care of my household, worrying about the world, answering the phone every five minutes and hanging up on the political calls, the offers for free estimates for everything from installing solar energy to cleaning my carpets, the day slips away, and I have neither added to my blog, nor pursued my exercise plan, and I feel guilty and like I am not living up to my potential.

But, taking cues from my Learning Circles, from my appreciative living mentor, and from my own experiences, I have to ask myself, what can I learn from this? What lessons are there embedded in all of this? And how can I step to one side or the other to see what is good here?

Taking the first two principles, the constructionist and the poetic principle together, I can look at how I am telling this story. Let’s take a look at the ankle sprain. How am I going to tell this story? I tripped and the sprained ankle has limited me to the point that I have been unable to take walks, and I feel less sure of my balance. If I see this as something that is holding me back, then that is just what it is. 

However, if I see this event in a more positive light, as the way in which I have made contact with a group of physical therapists who are as involved in the community as I wish to be, who I have connected with in a way that may help us work together in a way that is mutually beneficial and benefits our community as well, then there is a good outcome to be seen here.  The poetic principle helps me to create the story that I want out of this experience, to tell it in such a way as to be appreciative of what is. No I am never going to appreciate spraining my ankle, but I can appreciate what has come out of the experience, and let that take me to the next step of imagining what could be.  I could create an alliance with a smart lady and we might work together in some way. We might be able to institute a program in our community that could benefit seniors as well as ourselves.

I’ll write in the next blog about the third step in the Appreciative Living Process, acting in alignment, so that possibilities can be realized.