Today on the menu

When I woke up this morning, my first thought was “you go along thinking…….” And then when I decided that this would be the beginning of my blog today, I thought I would depersonalize it and say instead “one goes along thinking….” But as the hours since I woke up have passed, I realized that I have little idea what YOU go along thinking, and as for what ONE goes along thinking, this is only conjecture, so instead I decided that I would say “I have always gone along thinking that I essentially know who I am,” and as I have ‘matured’ (i.e. gotten older), I have known myself better and better, so that what I could imagine that what I was thinking was true. Today, I had a revelation, that who I thought I was, how I happened to form thoughts, and how I looked at and negotiated the world was definitely not set in my character and unlikely to be affected by outside forces. I am learning every day that outside forces are making me doubt all the things that I thought I knew about myself. Previously, when I had a new experience, whether positive or negative, I would study and learn about it, I would find a book about it and be at peace with the changes, because I would ostensibly ‘understand’ them. Also in time gone by, I was possessed of a generally happy mood, always a smile, and plenty of energy to tackle my list of things to do. My highly organized personality, and adherence to my mother’s teaching made me prepared for almost any eventuality. I had extra stashes of tissues, t.p, canned goods, paper goods, even little amusements for visiting children, not to mention organized earthquake supplies and water. What I did not have was a way to deal with the runaway train of a disturbing and frightening diagnosis of breast cancer. Suddenly I was in the midst of a maelstrom that just did not end. No planning, no thinking ahead, no advance preparation made me ready to hear that I was now going to begin a new chapter for which I had no plans or preparations. There was no time to read or reflect before I boarded that train that was whisking me so fast into unknown territory, with little guidance and less experience. The train entered many dark tunnels that I was sure would never end, and then they did, and I had the light of friends who wished me well, the love and caring of my husband, who had previously known mostly how to be the patient, and my daughters, who, in the midst of creating their own places in the world, are also loving and caring and certainly almost as afraid as I am. What I was not prepared for was the ups and downs of mood, depending on how I had slept, and what I was able to eat, and how the healing was progressing. Bumps in the road throw me into abject depression, something I have not suffered from in the past, until I can get some rest or relief from pain. The days that I think that I simply cannot face what is ahead leave me limp and a stranger to myself. I always thought I could face with courage what came my way. I don’t feel courageous, I feel uncertain and afraid at times, and I have found myself looking to rely on outside support, something I have seldom sought in the past. I have realized something that perhaps I should have known, or perhaps nobody knows until they have to, that there is no yesterday, and no tomorrow, there is only today and making the best we can of it. Yesterday, after an unanticipated medical procedure, I just wanted to be taken care of by my mom, who has been gone for eight years. She would, in my imagination, have known just what to do, but certainly no more than my loving and caring Bob, who is feeling his way around in the dark trying to help my in any way he can. When I propose a new way for me to be able to do Passover so that I can accomplish it, he is on board. When I ask him to go shopping, or to help me, he is on the spot, and he has become a pro at keeping the kitchen as straightened up as possible. So here is what I know for sure, that appreciating what we have today—a caring spouse, a good night’s sleep, a knowledgeable doctor—is something I can get my mind around, even if it takes me a day or two to realize it. Yesterday is gone, for good or ill--let it go. Tomorrow is at best iffy, with the unknown looming, and we may get there or not. But today is golden. Today is what there is. Today can be what I make of it. Whether raining or sunny, whether hot or cold, if I put my mind to looking for it, I will find the good in today, because, it’s all that’s on the menu. So, Worry about that other stuff tomorrow, Scarlett.