Showing up

After reading the interview with Dr Brene Brown in June’s O Magazine, where she claims that “‘daring to show up and be seen’ is the key to everything we want in life”

I decided to attend my 50^th High School reunion--very much against my better judgment. Well, Saturday night was the night and it was quite eye-opening. First of all, after obsessing for weeks about what to do with my hair, and worrying that I hadn’t had the discipline to lose some weight, one fine day all of that flew away and I was free of the anxiety of taking a step forward.  I stopped worrying about my hair, or what I would wear and who I would impress and how I would impress them. They would just have to take me as I am—or not.  It was incredibly freeing.  I found myself free of more than just worrying about the reunion, and best of all I began to accept myself just as I am much more often and to accept the fact that what and how I feel about many things, while they might not be right for others, were usually pretty fine for me. This does not imply that I can’t and shouldn’t improve, or open my mind to other opinions or new facts, but that I am doing pretty OK.

In the spirit of the Buddhist belief that “when the student is ready, the teacher will appear, I continued to read the Interview with Dr. Brown, who does vulnerability research. What in the world is that? I thought. She explains it as not being about winning or losing, but about showing up and being seen—being in the arena. She also goes on to say that anonymous comments she had gotten about her TED talk that criticized her hair or face, were obviously from people not in the arena, not getting the point of taking risks and, sure, sometimes failing, but attending to the business at hand. Allowing oneself to be vulnerable by taking the next step-- going to the reunion, making a speech, opening oneself up to the new, the untried, the groundbreaking-- and not letting fear hold one back, leaving the armour at home, is being vulnerable. Perfectionism, of which I am guilty, “is a way to avoid or minimize shame and judgment.”

Dr. Brown’s interview was fascinating in itself, but I knew why I it all resonated so with me when I read the words that Oprah paraphrased from her book that “cultivating joy and gratitude are the way home.” What I teach in my small group seminars, based on the work of Jackie Kelm is just that--how to cultivate joy and gratitude in your life.  Practicing Appreciative Living is how I have gotten through the last six months, and while it has not always been successful in dispelling the sadness I have often felt over the death of my dear brother, on an incident by incident basis, it has gotten me through the day.   Who cannot have looked at the “supermoon” last night and not thought “I am so lucky to be alive tonight to see this”; who cannot take a breath of the early morning air, sweet and fresh, and hear the sounds of birds calling to each other and not appreciate the variety that life offers us, who cannot have felt the love of a child or a pet and not appreciate their own ability to feel this delicious emotion? The ‘who’ of those questions is the people on the sidelines, making comments, evaluating others, gossiping, not taking part, not taking chances. Be grateful that you are in the arena, and ignore the comments. Wear the bruises and scrapes of participation proudly, knowing you have added something to the human experience—Yours.